Being Adopted Should Not Define You

     You are you. It doesn’t matter if you were brought up by birth parent/parents, or were adopted. Loving parents are not guaranteed. Biological parents and non-biological parents can be loving, nurturing, kind. Or, they can be drug addled people who neglect their children. Children who are natural born, or adopted.

     Adoptees make a fuss about not knowing who they are because they are adopted. That’s a bunch of baloney. You may not know your lineage, but so what? Not that long ago, most people didn’t know their lineage other than “Your grandparents came from Italy”.  Knowing that information again, does not define who you are. You are who you choose to be. Many children who grow up in a less than happy home, go on to lead wonderful lives because they decided not to let what happened to them dictate who they become.  The opposite it true too, many children who grow up in loving, happy homes turn to drugs, or crime, leaving the moral, upright path in which they grew up. This applies to both adopted and non-adopted children.

     So often I read adoptees complain that their adoptive parents treated them differently than their biological siblings. Perhaps, or did the adoptee just think they were being singled out because they knew they were adopted? Now, I’m not saying that some adoptive parents don’t treat that child differently, but stop using it as an excuse. A lot of step children go through that, and grow up just fine.

     Stop using being adopted as an excuse. “Poor me, look how terrible life is because I was adopted.” Leave your pity party, and do something to better your life. Using adoption to do nothing, or to do the wrong things in life is just an excuse, and a poor one at that. These adoptees would probably have done nothing even if they had stayed with their biological parent/parents.  

Adoptees often pull the “oh pity me” card, “my birth mother didn’t want me”. That could be true, but did they ever think why? Maybe her life was less than satisfactory, and she was hoping to spare her child that fate. Maybe she was wishing a better life for her child. Some women are not financially or mentally able to take care of a child. And maybe, just maybe, a woman who got pregnant, and did not want the child, opted to give birth (no easy task) and give the child up for adoption rather than have an abortion.

     One particularly good quote - “It is not that I didn’t want you. I wanted you to have a better life than I thought I could give you.”  Now that is love.

     Adoption agencies, lawyers, and others do try to place a child with a loving, kind family. Yes, there are some poor choices made. Yes, life may be difficult, less than perfect, but whose life is perfect? Instead of whining about being adopted, and how life has treated you, buck it up and change your life. Change your outlook on life. Things may have been so much worse if you had stayed with your biological mother. By giving you up for adoption, you were given a chance. Take that chance and run with it. Do not look back on the past. You have a future ahead of you that only you control.           Seize it, and do something great.

     Many adoptees search for their birth mothers and fathers finding them, and are less than happy with the results. Birth parents who are cold, or show no interest in a relationship may not have been good parents to begin with, and are better left alone. The adoptee should not dwell on the “still not being wanted,” and focus on the “boy am I glad I’m not part of that family.”

Blood does not make a family. Love, and sacrifice for one another are the true makeup of a family. Being related by blood does not guarantee a happy life.

     Adoptees are chosen. Some, chosen before they are born – how special is that? You were wanted. Other adoptees are older when they are chosen, but they are chosen. Someone wanted you. Not the kid next to you at a foster home, or orphanage. But you. Some children are never adopted, but that just means that the right people never got to see you, never made it to see the wonderful person they missed out on meeting.

      You were loved enough to be given a chance at living. That alone is enough.

Lost Belief

We take pictures with Santa until we're seven or eight, then our 'I must grow up" switch activates and we no longer believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, or wishes. We stop picking up found pennies, no longer pluck a dandelion and blow our hopes to the wind. Wishing wells are looked upon with interest in construction rather than the magical abilities they possess in helping us reach those oh so lofty dreams.

We still go to church, and pray, that belief stays strong, never waivers, however our belief in the impossible is laid to bed by adult practicality. No time for dreams, can't stray from our path to pick up that shiny penny across the parking lot. We turn into Santa, and the Tooth Fairy, tucking goodies wished for into stockings and under pillows.

We left behind our imaginations, our hope, that maybe, just maybe, there might be a surprise or two waiting for us in life. Clouds no longer show us elephants, and castles, they only bring rain, and cloudy skies. Parties of celebration only mean time spent cleaning up the mess that friends and family leave behind.  

So sad. I dare you to find that little child hidden deep inside. Bring it out, find the elephant, be the princess in the castle. Wear the party hat on your forehead, become a celebrated unicorn. Pick up that penny, save them and take a dream vacation. Your lost beliefs may be at the back of your sock drawer, pull them out, dust them with wishes to bring them all back to you, before you are too old. And never, ever become too old.

Note to Older Self

 When I was about thirty years old, I went on a bus trip from Sacramento, CA to San Francisco. I was the youngest on the bus, my seatmates were at least sixty five years old, and up. I had a wonderful time, and enjoyed chatting with the group.

As a writer, I not only chatted with these older folks, but observed. Learned a lot about my elders, what I’d like to be like when I reached their age – spunky, outgoing, interested in others. I also found traits I did not want to emulate – grouchy, rude, self-centeredness. Having my handy notebook tucked into my purse (as always), I began a list – Things I Will Never Do When I Get Old.

I began with a reprimand to my older self. You will not

          Wear matching polyester slacks and blouses

          Wear half hose that bunch around my ankles

          Color my hair blue

          Be rude to those just trying to help

As I have gotten closer to being old (not there just yet) I have added to my list of Things I Will Never Do When I Get Old.

Again with a reminder to my soon to be older self. Really, really don’t

Not wear my hearing aid

          Take others for granted

          Impose on others – they have lives that don’t include me

          Not keep up on current events, become stagnant

Also promising myself to not talk about the weather as if it is the most important thing in the world, not obsess over things such as medication, doctor appointments, and my aches and pains.

So what exactly will I do when I am old?     

                                       

                                   When I Am Old  by Liz Elfring

          When I am old, I will sit on a swing and kick my feet high in the air.                            

          I will ride the purple plumed ostrich on a carousel,                                                                     eat lime Popsicles, growing a sticky green beard.                                                                              I will ooze mud between my toes after a warm summer rain,                                                                  and stroll on the beach, collecting seashells as gifts for friends. 

         I will play in the snow, giving angels their wings,

         and drink margarita’s while sunning myself on the porch.

          I will jump on the trampoline with the grandchildren,                                                                              go fishing, skip rocks, have picnics – outdoors and in.          

         I will continue to learn, and listen. New ideas, new music, new anything.  

        These are the things I will do when I am old.                                                                     

So, now all I have to do is get old.

Writers Retreat

We need to give ourselves a break,

A much deserved rest we’ll take.

Bring a special dish to share,

Spend some time with ones who care.

Pamper our bodies, enrich our minds,

Paint our toes, sit on our pretty behinds.

Baskets of goodies to take back home,

Just a reminder we’re never alone.

Come for the party, bring an open heart,

We leave refreshed, not wanting to part.