Potty Mouth

Relaxing, watching TV, I rise, look at my husband and say

  “I’m going potty.”

He laughs, “Well, go for me too, then I won’t have to get up!”

“I’m going potty.” That could possibly be the most idiotic sentence ever!

Why do we feel the need to announce that we are going to the bathroom? Everybody goes, nobody cares. Yet we whisper, “Excuse me, where is the ladies room?” as though we are ashamed to admit we tinkle, or… when we are out in public, at a party, or in unfamiliar homes.

A male teacher! Horror of all horrors to this fifth grader. I had to ask permission from a male (my father didn’t count, he was Dad) to use the restroom during class. For the first few months of school, I waited, often uncomfortably, for recess so I could go potty. I was mortified when I just had to go, and raised my hand, asking for a hall pass. The teacher didn’t ask why, so no awkward explanations in front of the class. He gave me the pass, I pottied, and felt fewer nerves the next time I raised my hand to be excused.

Why are bodily functions so funny, and why do we announce them?

Pet dogs announce they are going, just by the fact that they go to the door and bark an “I want to go outside” bark (very different from the “someone’s in our yard” bark). Of course pets probably don’t feel shame, what they are doing is natural. Again, we all do it, so what is the big deal?

I understand the embarrassment of rising during a movie, “Excuse me, oh! sorry, didn’t mean to step on your toes, excuse me.” I realize that unless I come back with a soda or popcorn, they will know where I’ve gone. I have interrupted their movie experience to go potty. How rude!

At restaurants, (stupidly so) I feel eyes following me to the restroom, hoping I will emerge with toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Now this has never happened to me, seen a few ladies, and gents with the tell-tale streamer following them back to their table, and laugh, especially when with others, because that is just the kind of evil mind I have. “Thank heavens it’s not me!”

Closer to 60 than 50, I still laugh about farts. So what? Perhaps that means I haven’t grown up all the way, yet, but I don’t care. Laughing keeps me young.

My ten year old granddaughter needed a chaperone for an over-night stay at the zoo. I volunteered, loving school field trips. There were plenty of adults, and kids, all sleeping on the floor of a large room. Tired after an evening spent walking the zoo, seeing what animals do at night, sleep came to all pretty quickly. Coughs and the swish of sleeping bag tossing and turnings soon quieted, and, as was inevitable, someone farted. Kids giggled, a few parent snored, and I had to cover my mouth to keep from cracking up. Why it was so hilarious was beyond me. Maybe the kids giggling added to the mirth that threatened to erupt from deep inside. Hey, it was funny. All was soon still once more, and sleep settled the room.

“Oh! Excuse me!!!!! I farted.” Unless it was within hearing range, why do we again, announce what our body is doing?

What has now become a funny, maybe a bit unfortunate tradition at our house is farting for cake.

Yes, you read that right. Once, long, long ago, a grandchild wanted cake for dessert. Grandpa said “No cake unless you fart.” hoping the child would finish his dinner first, then get a piece of cake. Well, said grandchild took a few more bites of dinner, farted and proudly stated, “I get cake!”

Now, in the middle of dinner someone is more likely than not to pop up with an “I get cake.” Cake being whatever there is for dessert that night, if any. If no dessert that night, the grand kids say they will save that fart for a future slice of cake.

The grand kids also enjoy burping, and that is funny too, especially when they try to croak out an “Excuse me” while they are burping. Granddaughter one, a bit of a tom boy, hangs right in with the boys, matching them burp for burp. Talent is all I can think of, and hope someday she will find a young man who finds face farts and butt burps just as amusing.

My mother-in-law loves the game show The Price is Right. One morning she wondered out-loud if anyone, but especially overweight people spinning the Big Wheel ever farted. We went on to discuss this for several minutes, and decided with all the noise of the stage, no sound would find its way to human ears, however, the show emcee, Drew Carey might smell the faux pas since he stands right next to the person taking a chance on the spin. How mortifying. Funny, but mortifying. I have made a note to myself – if ever on a game show, eat very little, and no foul farting foods the day before my scheduled appearance.

Same mother-in-law, getting a new roof on the house – roofers working away, laying new tiles. My warped mind wondered if, when going to the bathroom, you were supposed to turn on the exhaust fan while the guys were up on the roof. What scents actually come out of the “fart fan”? And who wants to be the one to check it out? I’ll pass.

Reading about customs of other countries I came across the - you must burp after a meal to let your host know you enjoyed it custom. Well, well, well, my family would fit right in there.

We giggle, and snort when we get to laughing too hard, fart when climbing on the tractor, and let the world know that we have to go to the bathroom, what goofs. It all keeps us laughing, a good thing in this politically correct world we are supposed to be living in.

I can see it now, “Excuse me Mr. President, but I do believe I get cake.”